Welcome to the Internet: Where Celebrities Get Roasted for Free!

Welcome to the Internet: Where Celebrities Get Roasted for Free!

Ah, celebrities. The glorious beings who walk among us but somehow act surprised when we—mere mortals—dare to comment on their existence. Ladies, gentlemen, and those of unspecified pronouns, let’s address the elephant in the room: y’all need to stop being offended by the internet. You are famous. You are a public figure. You are on social media, emphasis on the social part. That means we, the unpaid yet extremely dedicated internet committee, are going to discuss, critique, and occasionally drag you—whether you like it or not.

Take Cynthia Erivo, for example. Homegirl—oh wait, sorry, they—recently had a full-on meltdown about people not calling them by their so-called “proper pronouns.” Cynthia, Cynthia, Cynthia… Lady, hello! First of all, you should be focusing on your health, okay? Because you are literally skinnier than a normal human being should be. Like, gravity is barely holding you down at this point. Priorities, my dear.

And second, you are famous. You ought to be made fun of, mocked, criticized, praised, loved, and hated, all at the same time. That’s what comes with being in the spotlight. Of course, somebody is going to call you she! Because, my dear, biological pronouns exist. Not everybody is going to hop onto the custom pronoun bandwagon. That’s just how language works. If you want people to call you they/them, well, tough luck, because it just doesn’t roll off the tongue naturally. Like, imagine trying to say, “They is performing at the Oscars.” Huh? My brain is glitching just thinking about it.

But of course, the fan warriors (aka the people who act like their favorite celebrities personally fund their lifestyle) will come marching in, ready to cancel anyone who dares to utter an “incorrect” pronoun. Newsflash: the celebrity you’re defending doesn’t even know you exist. Beyoncé isn’t going to write you a thank-you note. Rihanna isn’t mailing you a free Fenty lip gloss for your dedication. And Cynthia Erivo? Sweetheart, please. She’s still crying over the fact that someone called her ma’am at Starbucks.

Listen, celebrities, let’s get real. When you put yourself out there, people will talk. You don’t get to pick and choose only the compliments. If we love your movie, we’ll praise you. If we think your outfit looks like a bedazzled garbage bag, we’re going to say so. If you’re demanding pronoun respect while looking like you haven’t eaten since 2015, well… expect a reaction. It’s called the internet, darling, not a VIP praise lounge.

So, in the spirit of April Fools’ Day, let’s all take a deep breath and remember: the internet is undefeated. Celebrities, stop acting shocked when people comment on your lives. And to the fan armies—please, find a hobby. Maybe even touch grass.

Signed, Your Unfiltered, Commenting, Social Media Family

Disclaimer:

I do not own any of these pictures!

The Rollercoaster of Crushing: When Fantasy Meets Reality

The Rollercoaster of Crushing: When Fantasy Meets Reality

Crushes. Oh, how they bring a mix of excitement and pain. All my life, I've had crushes. From the time I was in primary school to now, they’ve always been there. But there’s one thing that’s remained constant: I’ve never dated. And trust me, the journey with crushes has been nothing short of a rollercoaster.

Growing up as a girl, I never felt bold enough to tell someone I liked them. Why would I? I wasn’t the "attractive, good-looking" one, so the fear of being laughed at kept me silent. It felt safer to just admire from afar and keep my feelings hidden. Some people knew, others didn’t, and as expected, some people mocked or gossiped about it. It was tough. The real sting, though, comes when you see the person you like, someone you’ve admired in silence, dating someone else. The pain, the heartache, the feeling of not being enough—it’s all too much sometimes.

Recently, I had a big crush. This wasn’t just any crush; it was the kind that consumes you. It’s the kind where you tell yourself, “If we don’t end up together, we’ll at least be best friends or business partners.” I kept telling myself that, thinking if I spoke it into existence, maybe some part of it would come true. The power of words, right?

But reality hit a few hours ago. I saw a message that shattered my little dream bubble: the guy I liked had fallen for someone else. And here's the kicker: we’re miles apart, literally. He lives in another country, in a completely different place, with people who are stunningly beautiful. And here I am, just me, with my dreams of what could’ve been. It’s easy to feel like I don’t stand a chance, but at the same time, it’s hard to be upset. We’ve never met. It’s all just an imagined connection.

Now, I’m left with this feeling of frustration. Crushes are a funny thing. I always end up daydreaming about everything that could be. From how we’d meet, to getting engaged, to having kids and building a legacy together. It’s all so real in my head, but it’s just a fantasy. And when I step back, I realize: it’s a dream I built on something that’s not even real. It’s a fantasy where the person doesn’t even know I exist. And that hurts.

But you know what? This whole situation has taught me something. Crushes, especially the unrealistic ones, can be painful. But they’re also a part of growing up, of learning what it means to have feelings for someone and not always have them reciprocated. The truth is, it’s not about finding someone who perfectly fits into your dream. It’s about accepting that sometimes, it’s okay to have those dreams and still let them go when reality doesn’t line up.

And so, here I am. Trying to make peace with it all. Crushes are tough. They make you feel like you're living in a fairytale, only to wake up and realize that sometimes, reality doesn’t match the dream. But that's okay. It’s all part of the journey. And I know, in time, I’ll look back and laugh at how seriously I took all of this.

So, moral of the story? If you’re crushing on someone who doesn’t even know you exist, maybe it's time to focus on yourself. Life is so much bigger than a dream that may never come true. And who knows? Maybe one day, someone who actually sees you for who you are will come into your life, and it will be worth the wait.

In the meantime, let's try to laugh at ourselves. Because sometimes, all we really need is a little humor to get us through the emotional rollercoaster that is having a crush.

Until then, let’s keep crushing—on life, on our goals, and on the endless possibilities that await us!