Ah, celebrities. The glorious beings who walk among us but somehow act surprised when we—mere mortals—dare to comment on their existence. Ladies, gentlemen, and those of unspecified pronouns, let’s address the elephant in the room: y’all need to stop being offended by the internet. You are famous. You are a public figure. You are on social media, emphasis on the social part. That means we, the unpaid yet extremely dedicated internet committee, are going to discuss, critique, and occasionally drag you—whether you like it or not.
Take Cynthia Erivo, for example. Homegirl—oh wait, sorry, they—recently had a full-on meltdown about people not calling them by their so-called “proper pronouns.” Cynthia, Cynthia, Cynthia… Lady, hello! First of all, you should be focusing on your health, okay? Because you are literally skinnier than a normal human being should be. Like, gravity is barely holding you down at this point. Priorities, my dear.
And second, you are famous. You ought to be made fun of, mocked, criticized, praised, loved, and hated, all at the same time. That’s what comes with being in the spotlight. Of course, somebody is going to call you she! Because, my dear, biological pronouns exist. Not everybody is going to hop onto the custom pronoun bandwagon. That’s just how language works. If you want people to call you they/them, well, tough luck, because it just doesn’t roll off the tongue naturally. Like, imagine trying to say, “They is performing at the Oscars.” Huh? My brain is glitching just thinking about it.
But of course, the fan warriors (aka the people who act like their favorite celebrities personally fund their lifestyle) will come marching in, ready to cancel anyone who dares to utter an “incorrect” pronoun. Newsflash: the celebrity you’re defending doesn’t even know you exist. Beyoncé isn’t going to write you a thank-you note. Rihanna isn’t mailing you a free Fenty lip gloss for your dedication. And Cynthia Erivo? Sweetheart, please. She’s still crying over the fact that someone called her ma’am at Starbucks.
Listen, celebrities, let’s get real. When you put yourself out there, people will talk. You don’t get to pick and choose only the compliments. If we love your movie, we’ll praise you. If we think your outfit looks like a bedazzled garbage bag, we’re going to say so. If you’re demanding pronoun respect while looking like you haven’t eaten since 2015, well… expect a reaction. It’s called the internet, darling, not a VIP praise lounge.
So, in the spirit of April Fools’ Day, let’s all take a deep breath and remember: the internet is undefeated. Celebrities, stop acting shocked when people comment on your lives. And to the fan armies—please, find a hobby. Maybe even touch grass.
Signed, Your Unfiltered, Commenting, Social Media Family
Disclaimer:
I do not own any of these pictures!
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