The Unspoken Rules of Forgiveness—Why Women Stay and Men Walk Away

 

The Unspoken Rules of Forgiveness—Why Women Stay and Men Walk Away

I’ve been hearing this debate since I was a little girl. Or maybe it’s not even a debate—it’s just how things have always been, and nobody questions it enough. Why is it that when a man cheats, the woman is always expected to forgive him? To hold her home together, to be a "good wife," to push aside her pain and carry on as if nothing happened? But when the roles are reversed, when a woman is caught cheating, she’s thrown out like yesterday’s news—immediately, without question, without a second chance.

I remember listening to conversations from adults, specifically women. At the salon, at gatherings, at family events—whenever the topic of marriage came up, the same old story repeated itself. A man cheats, and the women around the wife whisper the same advice: “Stay. Pray for him. Be strong. You don’t want to disgrace your family.” But let a woman cheat? The response is swift and brutal: “She must go. No self-respecting man can stay with a woman like that.” 

As I grew older, I started to understand the real reasons behind this. And they all lead back to one thing: society’s double standards—especially in Africa.

Why Women Stay

Women don’t just stay because they’re weak. They stay because they are conditioned to believe they have no choice.

1. Reputation is everything

Being a divorcee carries a stigma, especially for a woman. Society will whisper, “She failed in marriage.” But if a man divorces his wife, it’s seen as him taking control of his life. No shame, no judgment.

2. Financial dependence

Many women, especially in traditional households, rely on their husbands to provide. He pays the bills, the school fees, the groceries. Walking away isn’t just about losing a husband—it’s about losing stability, security, and a lifestyle.

3. Family honor and shame

A woman leaving her husband, even if he’s a serial cheater, is seen as a disgrace to her family. “You embarrassed your parents.” “You didn’t try hard enough.” “Look at your cousins—they stayed, why can’t you?”

4. Breaking generational cycles

Some women stay because they don’t want to repeat history. Maybe their mother and grandmother were divorced, and they don’t want to follow the same path. They believe “If I just endure, I’ll break the curse.” But is staying in a broken marriage really breaking a curse—or is it just suffering in silence?

5. Hope that he will change

Society sells women the dream that a man can change if you love him enough. That if you pray hard enough, endure enough, stay quiet enough, he will wake up one day and become faithful. But the truth? A cheater is a cheater. A man who disrespects his wife once will likely do it again.

Why Men Leave Immediately

Now, let’s flip the scenario. A woman cheats, and her husband finds out. What happens next? Divorce. Disownment. Disgrace. There is no conversation, no second chance, no “stay and make it work.” But why?

1. Male ego and pride

In many African cultures, a man's honor is tied to his wife’s loyalty. If she cheats, his pride is wounded beyond repair. Society mocks him, calling him weak, calling him “a fool.” To regain his respect, he must get rid of her.

2. Society doesn’t shame him for leaving

While a woman is called selfish for leaving a cheating husband, a man is praised for leaving a cheating wife. “He has standards,” they say. “He deserves better.”

3. The myth of the ‘pure wife’

Many cultures expect women to be pure, faithful, and loyal—but they don’t hold men to the same standards. A woman who cheats is seen as ruined, dirty, unworthy of a second chance. But a man? He was just being a man.

4. Double standards are deeply ingrained

The harsh truth is, society never taught men to forgive the way it teaches women. From childhood, girls are raised to be nurturers, fixers, forgivers. Boys? They are raised to be leaders, decision-makers, men who don’t tolerate disrespect. And so, the cycle continues.

So, What About Me?

As I think about my own future, my own marriage one day, I ask myself: What would I do? If my husband cheats, will I stay? Will I swallow the pain like the women before me? Will I smile and serve him dinner, pretending like nothing happened? Or will I walk away and choose myself?

The scary part is, even though I know how unfair this is—even though I see the injustice—I still don’t know what I would do. Because the world makes it so hard for a woman to leave. And that’s exactly how they want it.

But I do know this: I refuse to accept that this is normal. I refuse to believe that women should suffer just because that’s how it has always been. If we don’t challenge these double standards, nothing will ever change.

And to all the women out there, who have forgiven, who have endured, who have stayed because they felt they had no choice—I see you. I hear you. And I hope one day, you know that you deserve better.

Because no sin is greater than the other. And no gender deserves to suffer more than the other.

— The Dreamer’s Pause ⏸️ 

Disclaimer:

I do not own or have any rights to the pictures portrayed in this blog.

It is used for educational purposes only!